The Mexican IF in VBScript

The trouble with an IIF, at least in VBScript, is that both the true and the false get evaluated on invocation:

Function IIF( theCond, theTrue, theFalse )
        Dim theResult
        If theCond Then
                theResult = theTrue
        Else
                theResult = theFalse
        End If
        IIF = theResult
End Function

So I tried delaying evaluation:

Function EIF( theValue, theTest, theTrue, theFalse )
        Dim theResult
        Dim theBool
        theTest = Replace( theTest, "$1", "theValue" )
        theTrue = Replace( theTrue, "$1", "theValue" )
        theFalse = Replace( theFalse, "$1", "theValue"
)
        theBool = Eval( theTest )
        If theBool = True Then
                theResult = Eval( theTrue )
        Else
                theResult = Eval( theFalse )
        End If
        EIF = theResult
End Function

Calling it was to work like this,

        i = 1
        j = EIF(i,"$1=1","$1", "$1*$1")

That is, if i = 1 then j = i else j = i * i. If I'd just used IIF it would have been

        i = 1
        j = IIF(i=1,i,i*i)

and the true and false parts would have been evaluated before invocation of the IIF function.
I gave up in the end, but it was fun ... sort of.